


March of the Cheeses

by archaesophilia



Category: Bleach
Genre: Gen, Humor, Mystery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-07-07
Packaged: 2018-02-07 22:09:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1915671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archaesophilia/pseuds/archaesophilia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone has poisoned the captains and vice-captains! Nanao, Ukitake, and Shunsui debate the culprit.</p>
<p>A one shot of silliness and speculation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	March of the Cheeses

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this ages ago! And I haven't kept up with the happenings of Bleach for years, so consider this more a character study than anything connected to the cannon.

“You don’t think he would have poisoned the sake, do you?” Kyoraku-Taicho suddenly asked his fukutaicho from under his hat, before hooking it away from his face to regard her. He looked horrified at the thought of his precious liquid being adulterated.

“No, Taicho. I don’t. Not everyone drank the sake, so it could not be the culprit.” Nanao reflected that, even if he had known the sake was poisoned, that might not have stopped her captain from drinking it in any case.

“In fact, sir, I believe the cause was the salmon mousse. It seems that everyone consumed it at last night’s banquet.” Nanao was not about to mention that she herself had been unable to detect the poison that had landed them in this predicament.

The previous night’s festivities had seemed normal enough; simply one of the inner council’s many attempts to reconcile the captains’ clashing personalities in the hopes that they would stop fighting one another long enough to focus on Hollows.

In fact, a banquet was a relatively mild attempt at peace compared to some of the other wild ideas that came out of the inner chambers. Nanao shuddered at the memory of the so-called trust building camps that they were forced to attend a few years before the war. She never again wanted to sit through discussions in which they had to “share their feelings” with each other.

Honestly, she reflected, none of the feelings were very surprising. Captains were too powerful to care about hiding their motives, and some made a career out of brutal honesty. She doubted if Zaraki-Taicho would be the terror-inducing maniac he was today if not for his widely known wish to kill everyone he encountered.

The dinner last night was supposed to have calmed them down in preparation for an extremely trying time; the search for a new General. The “Old Man,” as Kyoraku-Taicho was so fond of calling him, had finally announced his retirement last month. After centuries under his firm hand, the Gotei was looking for a new leader. 

The announcement had been made two days before, in a speech to the entire Gotei. The general hadn’t, however, mentioned who would succeed him. 

A vast betting pool had immediately formed. 

Nanao had even put up a small stake, for her captain to win of course, but more in an attempt to get out of keeping track of the pool than in any actual hope that she would win. That particular duty had gone to Ayasegawa of the 11th devision. Currently, the odds favored the stoic captain of the 6th division. 

Presuming, of course, that all of them got out of prison first.

With the exception of Captain Kurotsuchi, all the taichos and fukutaichos were currently residing in a place none of them had ever thought to be. According to Captain Unohana, they were all just lucky that the assassin had badly miscalculated the dosage. All of them had merely passed into fevered comas for a few hours. They awoke inside the Gotei’s most secure prison. 

Even the Captain’s of the Gotei 13 were not exempt from accusations of conspiracy to kill each other.

After awakening, the captains and vice-captains had wandered to different parts of the tower, to think, or rail, or wait, according to their natures. Nanao was grateful that the captain of the tenth division had retreated high in the tower, as the cold he was radiating was as intense as his annoyance at being parted from his paperwork. Her friend and fellow fukutaicho, Matsumoto, was attempting to comfort him in his loss.

Captains Kuchiki and Zaraki made an odd duo a few levels below them, both seeking silence, staring out of the windows of the tower. Their vice-captains were a little below them, entertaining each other. Nanao observed that it had taken Yachiru less than thirty seconds to subdue lieutenant Abarai. She was currently braiding his hair.

Vice-captain Isane and Captain Unohana were next. Unohana appeared as calm as ever (though Nanao doubted that even in the event of the apocalypse would Unohana ever be less than cool) while Isane was noticeably distressed. They were both prime suspects for the poisoning, with the reasoning that they had the biological knowledge to administer the poison. Their counter argument had been that, given said knowledge, do you think that they would have made the mistake of getting the dosage wrong? Nanao personally felt that, should either ever feel the need, they could come up with something much more embarrassing and painful than a simple poisoning.

Otherwise, the officers of the rest of the divisions were all ranged below them, but above the ground level, which had been claimed by Nanao, Captain Kyoraku, and Captain Ukitake.

“I think that Ise-san may be correct, Shunsui.” Ukitake was sitting on a low window ledge. This probably wouldn’t have been possible if not for his disease; the ledge was narrow, but then, so was Ukitake.

“The salmon mousse was recommended to all of us as particularly fine. In fact, I seem to recall that the server was rather insistent on the subject.” Ukitake’s hair, and his impeccably white captains’ coat, made him practically fade into the walls of the tower. 

Nanao wondered, not for the first time, if he ever considered using make-up or hair dye. But, as ever, she concluded that even a sick man must have some pride. Even if a little blush would have made him look less half-dead than he did now.

His favorite drink exonerated, Captain Kyoraku moved on to other subjects, “Who do you think did it? I personally favor Kurotsuchi for it. Man never could hold his sake.” Captain Kyoraku, while powerful, wise, old, and lecherous, occasionally fell into the trap of using one thing and one thing only on which to judge every situation.  
“He does now, sir. Do you remember that last bet between the two of you? The one he lost, when the entire Twelfth Division ended up doing our laundry and paperwork for a month?” Fukutaicho Ise Nanao; master of kido, paperwork, and all whom she surveyed. Also, mobile diary and memory storage extraordinaire. 

She sighed, “After that incident he went through rigorous training and modifications in order to become immune to most common and exotic poisons, including alcohol.”

Ukitake looked surprised, “Are you saying that his whole obsession with immunity started with a drinking game with Shunsui?!”

Captain Kyoraku, for his part, didn’t look at all abashed. Actually, he didn’t look anything, as his face was hidden behind his hat. “I resent the implication that I am responsible for anything that man does. It isn’t as though I set out to give him alcohol poisoning; and besides, wasn’t it nice to have our laundry and paperwork done by them for a month, Nanao?”

Nanao rolled her eyes, “Sir, they sewed listening and tracking devices into our clothes, and very nearly used your sake budget to requisition a new wing for their lab! They would have gotten away with it, too, if I hadn’t checked everything they did. And I’m pretty sure that I still haven’t found all of the listening devices that they planted around our division in the process.”

Shunsui waved his hand, “Well, it isn’t as though we have anything to hide! Let them hear the depths of our undying-.” At which point he stopped talking to clutch the hand that had been wandering closer to his lieutenant’s leg. Nanao, even disarmed and in prison, could still call a book to her hand whenever need be.

Ukitake had been staring out the window during their exchange, and he turned with a most serious look upon his face when they quieted. “Shunsui, Ise-san, do you really think that we were poisoned?”

They looked at him in surprise. How could he not think that they had been poisoned to some nefarious end? It would take a scoundrel of grand proportions to come up with a poison powerful enough to take out every captain and vice captain (except Kurotsuchi). It was merely bad luck, or incompetency, that they got the dosage wrong.

Nanao spoke first, “Sir, you don’t really think that it could have been an accident, do you?”

Ukitake elaborated, “It just seems to me that salmon mousse is the most inelegant method of poisoning. Wouldn’t a professional, as we assume the assassin was, have chosen something more suited to our stations? Like the sake, as Shunsui suggested, or perhaps the tea during the greeting ceremony? Poisoning is an art, and where is the art in salmon mousse?” He looked very serious, his pale hair shaking as he grew more animated to illustrate his point.

Shunsui eye-balled him from the floor. “You really think so? I have to say that, while not perfect, salmon mousse is not the clumsiest dish they could have chosen. Imagine if they had gotten to the cheese plate! At least salmon mousse is sort of exotic.” As a man who indulged in them quite a bit himself, Captain Kyoraku knew what he was talking about when it came to theatrics.

Nanao closed her eyes in disbelief. Surely her captain and his most esteemed friend were not debating the suitability of various cheeses for assassination. She opened her eyes. They really were. 

“Swiss, of course, would be a fittingly ironic choice,” Ukitake was saying, “wasn’t Switzerland known to be a strictly neutral country in times of war? And the holes would help the poison penetrate.”

“But not all of us are pacifists-and nor do we all like Swiss,” Shunsui countered. “I think that the Gouda would be a good choice. They could have smoked the poison in!”

“Yes, but the same could be said of any of the Cheddars,” Ukitake pointed out. “Possibly Wensleydale ? I would surmise that an unusual cheese would be sampled by all out of curiosity.”

“Not necessarily, old friend, especially since that one time we let Kurotsuchi do the cheese plate with a few of his experiments.” Shunsui whimpered, “Remember the one with the fluorescent green veins? That hummed?” He shuddered at the memory, trying to wriggle deeper in his hat to get away from the memory.

At least it wasn’t the most ridiculous conversation she had heard from the two of them, but it did give her an idea, “Sirs, perhaps they merely chose the mousse because it was the dish that we were all likely to have? After all, I don’t know of any captain here who would turn down a good mousse.” She paused in thought and added, “At least, until now.”

They both looked at her doubtfully for a minute or so, and then Ukitake sighed, “Once again we are foiled by your logic and practicality Ise-san. So, assuming that it was deliberate, we are once again back to the question of who committed the crime. Do you have any thoughts on this subject?”

Nanao adjusted her glasses-finally some recognition!-and continued, “Sir, I don’t believe that any of the current captains or lieutenants were responsible, nor that any of them hired a professional. Rather, it would have had to be someone who either wanted us incapacitated for a little while, or someone who wanted all of us eliminated in order to take power for themselves.”

Kyoraku looked at her, and something shone in his eyes (Nanao had long ago found that speculating on what was not good for her blood pressure) as he spoke to her, “My Nanao-chan certainly is as intelligent as she is beautiful, graceful…” Seeing her book appear again, he hurried on, “Surely some wretch from Rukongai wishes to take over the Seireitei, and has contracted with elite chemists to produce a poison bad enough to make even Zaraki faint! This vile creature no doubt plans to take all of the beautiful sake and women from Sereitei, and-.” Once again his verbal meandering was cut off by Nanao’s book.

 

“Actually, I think it is far more likely that someone from the central offices wanted some time to make a decision about who will be the next general without us interfering.” Ukitake took the more moderate option.

“Surely the old man wouldn’t poison his own captains just to have some peace and quiet, “said Shunsui, now nursing two hands, and looking rather like a hamster in a hat and haori, 

“He has been complaining of the ruckus lately,” Ukitake pointed out, “and you know how unreasonable he can get when he needs quiet. Remember the time he sealed your mouth shut for three days?” Ukitake looked resigned to the fact that his mentor may have poisoned him in an effort to have some time to think, though he could hardly blame him. He often did the same kind of thing to his two overzealous third seats to get them out of his hair, though he had never gone so far as to poison them into silence.

“Perhaps it is a test?” Nanao proposed. “Maybe he wants to see how we all react to this situation; who rises to the top, and who falls apart.” 

They looked upwards at the other captains. Hitsugaya had regained his calm, Matsumoto asleep (and a bit frost bitten) at his side. Captain Kuchiki appeared to be meditating, and Captain Zaraki was sleeping. Or vice versa, from a distance it was hard to tell. Yachiru was still playing with Abarai’s hair; he now had numerous corn rows, and she had somehow produced sparkly hair clips which she had affixed all over his head. The effect was rather startling, and the glinting from the clips was attracting crows from outside the tower, which were attempting to get in via a nearby window.

Captain Unohana had finally been forced to restrain her fukutaicho, and was serenely watching over her and the others below her. Nanao was glad for her presence; it meant that her captain would probably behave himself, as Unohana had been known to reward bad behavior with no hangover cure. A few of the others had produced books, or were napping.

“This is probably the longest time we’ve ever been in this confined a space without something exploding in a long while,” Ukitake said. “But I wouldn’t exactly say that anyone is rising to the occasion. Maybe if we attempted to escape? Or had a sing along?” He shrugged, looking at Shunsui and Nanao, who both shook their heads.

“Sirs, you two know the Captain General best, being his students for so long; don’t you have any idea what sorts of criteria he is using to choose his successor?” Nanao asked one of the questions that had been plaguing her lately. She couldn’t imagine that either of them didn’t have a better chance than most at guessing who would be picked.

But it was not to be. “Nanao-chan, these days we only sometimes know what he is thinking.” Shunsui sighed, “We’ll have to wait with bated breath along with everyone else.”

“He has been very hard to predict, it’s true.” Ukitake confirmed. “I’m not sure if he just wants to keep us on our toes or if it is encroaching old age.”  
Nanao was disappointed. She liked to keep herself informed about everything that was happening in Seireitei. Some people thought that Matsumoto’s information network was the best, and in matters concerning interpersonal relationships, it was. But Nanao’s was more wide-ranging in subjects. She supposed that something this important would be too classified for her to get her hands on before it was announced.

She decided to move on to another subject that had been bothering her. “Why didn’t they arrest Captain Kurotsuchi? If he wasn’t affected, that makes him look quite guilty, while we are the victims. Wouldn’t it make more sense for him to be in prison, and us to be in the hospital?”

“That, Nanao-chan, I can’t explain. But I suppose that they wanted us to suffer in here for a while in order to soften up the real culprit.” Shunsui shrugged, “or they are hoping that we’ll solve this little mystery ourselves.”

“We could just ask everyone if they did it.” Ukitake suggested. “It really isn’t in most of our natures to lie, I think we could solve this quite easily.”

“We can probably rule out a few of them immediately, sir,” Nanao interjected. “For example, we all know that Zaraki would never choose poison over throat slitting. Captain Kuchiki would never do something so dishonorable. His lieutenant is one of Zaraki’s men, and equally unlikely to use poison.” 

Nanao started a list, as was her habit. “Vice-captains Kira and Hisagi both are too focused on proving their loyalty. Captain Unohana and Isane have already given their reasons. Neither I, Captain Kyouraku, nor Captain Ukitake or his lieutenants did it.”

“So that leaves…” Shunsui pursed his lips in thought, “The first, the second, the seventh, the tenth, and the twelfth. We’ve already gone over why the first would do it.” He looked at Ukitake, “You know, I’ve always suspected that Soi Fon would kill any of us rather than look at us. Why not her? It is said that poison is a woman’s weapon. And look at her Zanpakuto.”

Ukitake frowned, “I don’t think that she has exhibited any more rage than usual lately, though. And she is the kind of woman who is far more likely to confront people face to face. Just look at how long she has waited to confront Yoruichi-san.”

“So not the second,” Nanao continued. “Then next is the seventh. I’m afraid that I don’t know enough about Captain Komamura to say whether he would do such a thing, but I am inclined to say not.”

Shunsui nodded, “I’d agree with that. He’s hardly the kind to attack those he considers friends. And his lieutenant is another of Zaraki’s men. Personally I think that, barring the old man, Kurotsuchi is responsible. The man craves power, he says that we hold him back at every staff meeting. To be frank, the man is just psychotic.”

“Megalomaniacal is the word you want, sir. And yes, he is. But we skipped the tenth. Why would or wouldn’t Captain Hitsugaya poison us all?” Nanao asked.  
“I personally think that he would never do such a thing.” Ukitake stated firmly.

But Shunsui appeared to disagree. “Now that you mention it, for a youngster, he has an astonishing amount of rage. He also frequently expresses his frustration with the rest of us, and appears to have some sort of hang up about his height and age.”

“Sir that might just be you. And for future reference, I don’t think he appreciated the booster seat for his chair during staff meetings.” Nanao sighed; she had counseled her captain against the gift. Poor Rangiku hadn’t gotten the ice out of her hair for nearly a month after that.

“That’s the point! He has no sense of humor. He takes things far too seriously and expects others to do the same. This could be an attempt to gain respect and power. And he has exhibited a regrettable knack for planning and espionage for one so young.” Shunsui said with a flourish of his hat, which he quickly put back on his head.

“So we are tied in his case.” Ukitake said, “Care to be tie-breaker Ise-san?”

“Though he is more than capable of planning our assassinations, I doubt that Captain Hitsugaya would be so incompetent as to get the dosage wrong. He is far to organized for that.” Nanao stated, “So it probably wasn’t him. Besides, Rangiku would have caught on to the plot. She keeps a very close eye on her captain.”

Ukitake looked back and forth between them. “So that means that it was either Kurotsuchi or the General. Neither of which we can interview.” He sighed, and looked back out the window.

Nanao furrowed her brow. “Aren’t we forgetting a division? What about the fifth?”

Both men looked surprised. “Little Momo! Who could imagine her poisoning anyone?” Shunsui exclaimed.

Ukitake frowned in thought. “Come to think of it, I haven’t seen her around in a while. And she wasn’t at the dinner.”

“Well, you did say that poison was a woman’s weapon.” Nanao pointed out. “And I suppose that anything is possible given her recent fragile state of mind.” Nanao wasn’t about to underestimate a fellow kido master, and she had no doubt that Momo was capable of planning the assassination of the captains. “Her trauma could also explain why she made such an elemental mistake as to get the dosage wrong.”

They were all distracted from further elaboration by the arrival of Matsumoto Rangiku. “Hey guys! My captain finally fell asleep, so I came down here to give him some quiet.” She flopped down next to Shunsui on the floor. “What are we talking about?”

“We were just speculating on who was responsible for the poisoning. So far, we’ve narrowed it down to the First, Fifth, or Twelfth Divisions.” Ukitake said, “what do you think about it?”

Rangiku looked thoughtful for a moment. “First of all, Momo has been on leave to think about joining the kido corps. She’s been in contact with my captain nearly every day. I don’t think it was her.”

Nanao looked at her in surprise. “Really? She’s finally considering the corps’ offer?” She nodded in approval, “Good for her.”

Shunsui spoke up from ground level again, “So that leaves the First or the twelfth. Neither of which we can prove at the moment. So we are back where we started.” He sighed the sigh of a man in mourning and asked, “Did anyone bring any sake?”

Rangiku laughed, “Sorry, I couldn’t quite remember to bring some while I was in a coma.”

Nanao chose to ignore the comment, and joined Rangiku on the floor, resigned. “I guess we’ll just have to wait for more information. Or until they arrest one of us. Until then, I’m taking a nap.” She placed her book under her head, and to the astonishment of the rest, went to sleep. Shunsui and Rangiku followed her example, while Ukitake stayed in the window, watching the crows attempting to get at lieutenant Abarai.

After about an hour or so, he saw a group coming across the bridge. He nudged Shunsui awake, whose loud yawn woke Nanao and Rangiku. “Someone is coming.” Ukitake informed them. Nanao got up from the floor, and Rangiku left to go wake up her own captain. 

Shunsui sat up. “Perhaps they are bringing us more information! Or maybe dinner.” Dinner, to captain Kyoraku, could be liquid or solid. He sounded as though a liquid would be appreciated at the moment. It had been a while since he had gone so long without a drink, and it was starting to show. For one thing, Nanao observed, he looked more alert than usual.

The doors opened, revealing representatives of the Inner Council, and the Captain General himself. As they filed into the tower, the rest of the captains and vice-captains descended from their respective perches.

The General spoke, “We’ve been looking into this incident, and we think that we’ve found the cause.” He paused, and looked around at them.

“It seems that one of Captain Kurotsuchi’s experimental compounds somehow made its way into the salmon mousse. During interrogation, he revealed that his division has been secretly investigating alternatives to hell butterflies as a means of communication. One such experiment was on a set of fish. Somehow one of these broke free from the facility, and ended up in the mousse. The compound in it, which made you all ill, was injected as a way to ensure that it would die if it escaped. You’re all lucky that you aren’t fish, otherwise you would be belly up by now.”

A few people groaned at the pun. Everyone else just looked resigned at the notion that they had all been laid low by another accident of Kurotsuchi’s.  
Soi Fon asked, “What disciplinary measures have you enacted for this outrage?” She looked like she hoped it was extremely painful.

One of the representatives answered, “We have ordered that that particular line of research end, and that the Twelfth Division serve to do all other division’s laundry for the duration of two months. They also owe you all a written as well as public apology.”

“What?! He nearly killed us all, and all he gets is a slap on the wrist?” Zaraki was not pleased.

“Actually, his punishment was mitigated at the request of the Captain General.” The representative managed to cower verbally, if not physically, in the face of Zaraki’s wrath.

“It was a nice change of pace from the chaos of the last few days.” The General sighed, “Just a nice, simple investigation.” He looked around. “Did any of you use your time well, and figure it out?”

All the rest shook their heads, but Shunsui spoke up, “Well, we deduced that it was either you or Kurotsuchi, Old Man. But that is as far as we got with as much information as we had.” Nanao noticed that when he said “we” he really meant “Nanao and Ukitake while I listened.” But that was normal.

The General nodded. “Very good.”

The General and the representatives turned to leave the tower. The General paused in the doorway to say, “By the way, I’ve made my decision. I’ll announce it tomorrow. Now go and get some rest.”


End file.
